Triumph: seeing friends in Chicago where I positively experienced culture shock from the cosmopolitanness of the city. I want to live in a city. I stayed with E., my friend (and former roommate) who I met in Bosnia-Herzegovina. We went used and vintage clothing shopping (we each found a skirt), ate great food, and had Sunday brunch with my other long-time friends in Chicago, who I met in college who are busy moving into their own (bought) home in south Chicago after having been in the city for more than 10 years. Establishing roots sounds nice and I”m happy for them although not quite ready myself to make that move (surprise, surprise).

Travail: the academic workshop I’m currently at. I was looking forward to this workshop because it has been a long while since I spoke with other academics and I hoped to get some good feedback about my project before heading into the analysis phase. However, whether because I have been in research and not analysis or reading mode- or just lazy and incoherent, I didn’t do a good job on my presentation, which makes it hard to get good feedback. It was scattered and too focused on the details of day-to-day life in Fargo and not enough about how situations in Fargo could relate to other parts of the country/world. Most of the others at the workshop are political science or policy people, and a historian. Our leader is a political theorist and her work is great, but she’s a political theorist and I’m an anthropologist emerging from the field who hasn’t read much theory lately. I’m also here with scholars who are from and firmly rooted to the Balkans, and my interests expand so much further and wider and farther than one geographical region - although it has been nice to discuss and get updates on this region that I do love. On the one hand, all this talk of the Balkans makes me want to go back there (and question why I didn’t choose to do my PhD dissertation research there); on the other hand, I’m planning a trip to Sudan that I’m very excited about…and despite some challenges (like trips to big cities like Chicago where I feel much more comfortable), I am still successfully convincing myself that going to work in Fargo was a good choice. But will y’all remind me of how much I like cities when I’m looking for jobs? (Some of you - mom and other family members - did that before I went to Fargo but I am so stubborn - he he he).

People are asking me about the challenges of being an activist and academic; as per usual, this group doesn’t seem to be as conflicted as I am with the overlap. Maybe that’s because of how I define or label the categories? There are activists here but they don’t walk around saying they are - but their work doesn’t necessarily address the activism blatantly, which is important to me for some reason. In any case, a PhD in anthropology will be good, and I have the privilege of more time to decide - not to mention the privilege of time to think about these things, and write about them. Life in one’s head: a heckuva ride of triumphs and travails.

It’s been a nice break from Fargo. I haven’t been writing fieldnotes (even though I should), or panicked about how many more interviews I need to conduct (they’ll get done!). I’ll have another cup of iced coffee and continue pleasure reading, walking around Champaign-Urbana, sleeping in the 10th floor dorm room I was assigned by workshop organizers, and getting to know fellow participants. Most of them leave this afternoon, but I’ll take off tomorrow morning, drive to Minneapolis (about 9 hours), and spend July 4 with family before going back to Fargo on Saturday.

That about sums it up.

Jan. 20, 1988
Today was NOT one of my better days.
I thought last night my life would almost change and get fantastically better just overnight. Boy, was I wrong. Today I got a terribly bad ingrown toe nail and…I think my sister hates me! School was called off again [due to weather] and it still wasn’t good. We still had confirmation and choir and I had to practice piano and do some other stuff too. Lisa and I got up at 11:00 a.m., watched our soaps, got dressed and showered and was bored until supper! I’m super tired other wise I’d write more about my first life crisises.
[FYI: I was clearly a well-to-do teenager from the United States when writing this. I'm happy to report that I define "life crisis" differently now but how lucky am I that this was a crisis day?].

Jan. 21, 1988
We had school today. All day. The only school that didn’t even start late than all the other towns around us…Tonight I watched the movie “Dirty Dancing.” It was great! I want to learn how to dance now. I have a big Life Science test tomorrow. Got-a-go! Jen

Jan. 23, 1988
Today we took the SAT test in Sioux Falls. The weather was getting bad when we were done so we had to skip going to the mall. All the girls were VERY mad. When we got back, a friend came over. Then [a friend] and I went to “Throw Mama from the Train.”…It was a stupid movie. -Jen
P.S. The test was, of course, hard.

January 27, 1988 (Wednesday)
Today was school pictures. I wore one of my mom’s sweaters. the one that’s orangish, peachish, pinkish, the kind of high collar with a pocket. I don’t know if it’ll turn out. We also had confirmation and choir. They were BORING as usual. My dad was in an especially good mood today.
Jen

January 28, 1988
Today we had BB practice. Boy did we get a workout! I didn’t go anywhere [else] tonight, so there’s not much else to say. Oh, we did have piano, but I don’t really think that’s any exciting news. That’s it. Yours truly, Jennifer

By now, you have probably guessed that I am too busy to post regularly - or much at all. I miss working on my posts and reading others’ blogs too! But I don’t see much of an end in sight to this mad schedule - not for a few months. Everything that I have been doing for the last 9 months is culminating nicely in so far as I now have friends, multiple contacts, interviews, volunteer hours, etc. But I’m also overwhelmed as I try to wrap up everything here in Fargo in the next 5 weeks (and travel for almost two of those weeks), plan for my brief trip to Sudan in August, and then back to Oregon.

I hope that my anthropological experiences here are typical in that many of the people I have tried to be in regular communication with for 9 months, some of whom were weary or hesitant, are now welcoming me and introducing me to more people. This is great news…although it is tempting to question why it didn’t happen sooner. “Jen panic mode” (to put it mildly) creeps its ugly neck around too many corners here asking questions like “why didn’t you do this? Maybe had you done this, then…?” I tell it that things are fine and dandy; I have done all I can do, tried to collaborate, advocate, and collect information as best as I could, and that those feelings should scram. They leave but come back - at very inopportune times, like before I go to bed or before an interview, or when I’m talking to friends on the phone. Sigh.

Nonetheless, I’m meeting new, interesting people, improving my Bosnian language skills, helping to organize and volunteer at fun celebrations (e.g. June 20 World Refugee Day events), and participating in some sad times too (mourning deaths of those abroad - in Africa mostly). In between volunteering and hanging out with various communities, I conduct about 8 official interviews per week - tomorrow I have four in a row. I stayed home tonight for the second time in 9 nights to catch up on interview protocol, fieldnotes, this blog, and other things, and I finally watched There Will Be Blood -but I felt guilty to just watch a movie so I decided to also cook dinner (it had been weeks!), and to bake cookies to bring to people (peanut butter, hazelnut, chocolate chip). But I burned 3 of the 4 batches. I almost always burn one, but three?! Uff da!

I finally made the switch today from T-mobile to Verizon. I wish I had waited until Monday to use up every last minute of T-mobile as I could but I was worried there would be a waiting period and I’m busy. I would gladly get rid of my cell phone if it wouldn’t reflect poorly on me and my professional life. I have given my cell phone number to dozens of people here in Fargo and it would not look good for them to call and find a disconnected number - not to mention that this had been my phone number for the last 6 years (I can keep my same number). Tonight I agreed to pay two months in advance along with the activation fee, not to mention my T-mobile bill this month. It was a lot of money. I am angry. Also, Verizon was unable to transfer my nearly 200 contacts from one phone to another so I have to do it manually. I am mad. One more time: down with T-mobile.

On the up side, after reading my last venting, anti-technology post, a friend donated her old Ipod to me!! It’s the same as my old broken one and is compatible with my computer! Yah!! Having it has considerably brightened my spirits, drives, and runs! Thank you Ann!!!!!!! I am so very grateful

I’m conducting a lot of interviews, mostly with men in the New American communities since women are harder to locate, generally less educated and/or self-confident in speaking, and/or have less desire and/or more fear to share their story. I hang out with women, but in a more informal context. I learn a new perspective about something from each person I speak with and sometimes the stories are very difficult to hear. Every person’s story is different from the next and I don’t anticipate the details, but I do expect some of them to be difficult because of the types of violence so many people have survived and/or witnessed due to war, and local and global forms of racism, classism, sexism, homophobia, etc. So when I go into an interview, I try to mentally prepare myself. But some situations, I’m just not prepared for (and never will be perhaps).

The other day, I went to a meeting. On the way out, a man followed me to ask me if I was recording a conversation I had with him during a break. I said I would never record someone without their knowledge! He pointed to my pocket, where I keep my insulin pump, and told me he thought that machine was a recording device, but wanted to check with me before thinking the wrong thing. Big misunderstanding. I told him it was medicine and we cleared it up, but what if he hadn’t asked me? I wonder how many researchers or journalists, or whoever, record without permission? Usually people think my insulin pump (for my juvenile-onset diabetes) is a pager. I guess I need to explain what it is every time I take it out, especially while doing this project.

The lesson I learned today was also unexpected. I had dinner with a friend, planning (hoping) to be home to watch one of the 3 netflix movies I’ve had sitting on my TV for 3 weeks. In her own words, this friend is conservative and a fundamentalist Christian. Although she too has interactions with refugees, her job is quite different than mine. We talked for 4 and 1/2 hours about politics, religion, culture, economics, and more. To be honest, there were several points where I just wanted to go home, but I’m glad I didn’t. She believes the ultimate cause of war is the consequence of human sin, maybe not the sins of the individuals who suffer during that particular war, but from something humans did in an earlier time. I asked her how colonialism, racism, slavery, gendered violence, and other systemic, violent (depending on your definition of violent) militaristic and economic systems figure into that? Systems that negatively target vulnerable populations (e.g. poor, people of color, and/or women) more than others (for centuries white, Europeans and their ancestors who were in power, and more recently, those with bigger, faster, more weapons, technology, and capital from all over the globe)? She said the ultimate cause is human sin and those who accept JC as their savior and repent as sinners will be rewarded in the afterlife, no matter what they did here (although those that commit crimes here should be punished accordingly including through the death penalty). She believes in the Scripture, is against homosexuality, abortion, etc. We agreed to disagree again and again. She, for example, said my job was a lot of interpretation and culture is hard to define. True enough, I concurred, but I have “data” to back up my “interpretation.” She didn’t agree. We agreed that we know our own profession better than each other’s and, for many reasons, neither of us could, or would want to, do the other’s job. I enjoyed the conversation; I’m glad we had it; I look forward to the next; and I haven’t craved a cigarette as much as I did this evening for a very long time.

The conversation was interesting and important for me, because although neither of us will change our belief systems, we may be able to understand others’ as a result - and maybe, just maybe, do our jobs better and interact with others in the private and/or religious/political level better. Or so I tell myself. In the very least, we’ll remain friends. We do have some things in common. Part of me thinks that my way of making the world a better, more equitable place for people is more and more naive. And I think this also because of the experiences I’ve had with refugees. Maybe I’m so privileged that I don’t need religion? Religion seems to have much better points than my kind of activism. How can critiquing the seeming common sense (hegemony) of capitalism compete with eternal peace, love, forgiveness (and more, depending on the religion, and pending repentance)?

Somehow there needs to be both. A large number of people in the world have a spiritual, if not religious, belief system. Capitalism as a blatantly- and even justifiably - unequal economic system is becoming even more entrenched, or at least more globalized. Many of us are working to make capitalism more humane, more fair, more evenly distributed, but it’s tough. It may be even tougher to argue with the God’s-plan-perspective (whatever god that may be). But to talk about both - and I don’t mean more reminder sermons on the need to focus on god not money - there needs to be some changes. For the record, I’m not against God; I’m against chalking up God’s plan to allowing gross inequalities and violence to continue in the present, earth context. The way I see it, if I want to make the world a better place, I need to understand, pay attention to, and even respect views other than my own, including the differing notions about the ultimate causes (religion, economics, both) and consequences (going to hell/heaven versus suffering or the good life on earth) of the world’s suffering. And to highlight what we do have in common which is increasingly economic - in the very least. And then try to change it (insert evil laugh here if so desired). There are also plenty of spiritualities and places of worship out there that are already doing this kind of work but they are not mainstream (especially not here), so kudos to them for doing it. I might fare better if I initiated some contact with them instead of writing too dichotomously.

I have it, but I need to keep it up. I’m sorry about the lapse in posts. I have a good, long list of reasons why I don’t have time for it these days - all of which are worth multiple posts in and of themselves. I’m conducting a lot of interviews, attending cultural events, going to meetings all over the place, and I just got back from a national conference about refugee resettlement that just so happened to be in Minneapolis. So I was able to visit some family on the side.

I will probably complete somewhere in the ballpark of another 30-40 interviews in the next 6 weeks (2 of which I will be gone and I must move out of my apartment). I will also continue to volunteer for various agencies, attend meetings, plan my trip to Sudan, and socialize somehow. On crazy days, I berate myself for not conducting these interviews sooner, but the truth is: the deadline motivates me and it’s not like I haven’t been doing other things before now. Only now - after I have established relationships and contacts in all of the various groups of people who I work with - am I able to confidently call them up and ask for interviews (not that they all agree of course). For me, the networking, advocacy, and various forms of collaboration are more important than the actual interviews. However, the interviews will provide a more concise and focused set of information to make future analysis, collaboration, recommendations, and the like more feasible.

That’s where I’m at. I’ll try to get something more out soon.

January 8, 1988

Lisa’s slumber party was fun! After school we had BB practice [basketball]. Then, J. and I went home to take showers and we all met at Lisa’s house for supper and then we went to the varsity BB game. We came home, and mainly talked and ate and watched a movie. I thought it was fun. P.S. We went to bed at 3:30 a.m.-4:00a.m.

January 11, 1988

Today we had a B.B. game against Worthington (7th grade). The B teams tide. (We went over time 3 times and still tide!) The A team (I’m on) won 38-8! I made 4 points. 2 from a lay-up and 2 for 2/2 free throws! I rebounded alot and really played well (I think). It was a good day! Jen

January 12, 1988

Today we got to school and got everything all put away and school was called off. Lisa and I were at her house the majority of the day. We ate, watched soaps, and danced. We also fixed each other’s hair. Mine was good! I’m wearing it like that tomorrow. It looked like this…[I draw a picture of myself - and with the following descriptive words:] part on side, put back in a ribbon.

[I can't believe I'm about to share this, but here goes. I share it mostly because it shares volumes about the protestant work ethic and upper Midwest culture from the perspective of a 13-year-old in the '80s with a clear vision of her future.]

January 17, 1988

Today I accomplished alot. Slept in ’til 9:00 and went to Sunday school, church and came home and watched Blind Date (Bruce Willis, Kim Baisinger), practiced 1 hour of piano, 20 minutes of horn [clarinet], and did my furniture and steps vacuuming [some of several chores I had to do growing up]. I’ve been thinking about my future lately too. I want to be successful! Maybe a business woman, artist, or author. At least a girl and a boy, up to 3 kids. Loving husband and a comfortable home, quiet, not in a middle of a city. Maybe not in MN. Maybe Chicago, no, maybe San Francisco. I wish it wasn’t winter. I want to go outside without a coat and no snow. I want Okoboji [a resort town on some lakes in Northern Iowa]. I like playing volleyball, having water fights, and talking to boys. I miss that! I can’t wait until SPRING!

[But then...]

January 18, 1988

Today we had a B.B. game against Pipestone. B game won and A team lost, just like last time. We also had a band concert. We did pretty good on that too. I hope we have a blizzard tonight. We’re supposed to (or might) and I’m awfully tired and don’t feel like going to school. Night.

It seems like everywhere I turn, I hear and/or participate in discussions about governance, accountability, and leadership. On any given day, I might talk about U.S. Presidential politics and how race, class, and gender matter (or not) in choosing the next leader of this country; or, the qualifications for leadership from school boards to politicians to Executive Directors of nonprofits; and, the importance of informal leadership - like what kind of a woman the Sudanese are looking for to help lead the community. Or what kind of “ethnic” leader the majority culture is looking for to educate them about said culture - these individuals are often not always the same.

I listen to conversations, or read media, about the elections in South Sudan to be held in 2011 (part of the Comprehensive Peace Agreement signed between the governments of the North and South in 2005 and which will decide whether the two entities will remain one country - highly unlikely). Corruption or bias towards certain ethnic groups is a big topic. For a local example of corruption, this week, I attended a court trial of a man convicted for stealing a lot of money from a nonprofit for which he was on the Board. The guy was upset at his community for taking him to court when it could have been settled privately (e.g. the community could just forgive him and he wouldn’t have to pay back the money). The organization chose to use the U.S. court of law to prove their accountability to current and potential donors.

I try to keep up on the ongoing lack of tripartisanship in post-Dayton Bosnia-Herzegovina. The Dayton Peace Accord officially ended the war in Bosnia in 1995 and included a rotating presidency of the three majority populations of Bosnian Serbs, Croats, and Bosniaks or Muslims - we have enough problems with one President - imagine having three. It would be like, or worse than, McCain, Obama, and Clinton rotating. I know; the shiver is running down my spine too. Obviously little gets done.

Subtopics that emerge as part of these discussions might include: accountability (and hence corruption), likeability (based on gender, race, class, humor, religion, culture), allegiance ( to the country, church, God, “the community”, and/or the organization), flexibility (how much can one individual do within the subscribed sphere of influence), and no self-interests (or only to the interests of a certain group).

As I mentioned before, gossip plays a role in all communities/jobs that I have been involved in. No one is immune from gossip, either good or bad (probably both). Sometimes reading the “news”paper feels more like reading a gossip column and I don’t think the average U.S. citizen knows the difference. It seems like many of these discussions also revolve around the central premise that most aspects of our lives are, or should be, run like a business - increased privatization of governmental services shows this. So does the running of nonprofits like a business insofar as you have many organizations with similar goals, competing for the same funds, to provide similar services to similar populations but just different enough to offer clients a “choice,” and then the whole sector of nonprofits can complain about the competition. The problem is that profit is not the issue - what is being “sold” are the organization’s passions for helping people.

The ethics of the business model of life is so ingrained into our collective consciousness and culture that it is far beyond common sense. Pointing it out is a moot point but there you have it anyway. On the other hand, I am surprised to see that - despite the success of privatization (and more broadly neoliberalism), which some argue have resulted in blurred lines between the public and private sector - there are clear differences between the state and private sectors in Fargo. Although both sectors are governed by some of the same philosophies like the business model of assisting people or (with a few exceptions) Christianity, there are definite differences when it comes to accountability, flexibility, governance, services offered, and more. Individuals working in various sectors think differently about their role in bigger governmental or private spheres and their agencies’ role in promoting those ideas.

I am so angry at T-mobile that the only thing I can think of to do is blog at the top of my proverbial lungs and encourage people not to support them. Go with another company if you can! I was just on hold for more than an hour! I hung up the first time after 25 minutes and called back only to wait another 35 minutes. I called to explain my moving and traveling predicaments to them, and to make a long story short, physical location matters, even with air waves. I gave them an Oregon address, where I would be living (okay, it was an old address but surely close to where I’ll be living in Sept), and they told me that if I wasn’t there by the beginning of August, they could shut off my service at any time without warning. Cell phones and surveillance go hand in hand. I tell them I won’t physically be in Oregon until mid-September, but I will be in a T-mobile coverage area by the beginning of August (or no area at all since I’ll be out of the country for 3 weeks) until then. They said when people travel they incur roaming charges; in short, they have been paying too much to other companies for my cell phone use. If you are thinking about getting a cell phone or changing plans, and you travel or you’re thinking about moving, do not go with T-mobile. Heck, don’t go with T-mobile if you can help it, for any reason. They may be cheaper in the short run, but their business practices are terrible and they are not friendly or helpful. In other words, T-”mobile” isn’t so mobile after all. So there.

Okay, I’ve done my part to destroy their business. I feel a little bit better, but I’m still pretty mad.